How Can I Be Sure?

I have this problem.  I don’t know what I want.  Even if I think I know what I want, I can’t be sure that I really want it.  I’ll try to explain it as best as I can, though those who have heard it before marvel at my dilemma and don’t see why it is so hard and why I have a problem with it.

The problem comes from the fact that I see a very strong division between the sacred and the secular, especially where vocation is concerned.  Let me explain.  The work and position of a minister would fall into the sacred realm while the work/position of a circus clown would fall into the secular.  I use these two examples because a counselor once said to me that he thought God would be just as happy if I were a circus clown as if I were a minister.  This counselor was helping me through my burnout as a pastor, after which I left my pastoral position and went into what I considered a secular work field of mechanics and engineering.  I know in my head that there is no separation in God’s eyes between the work that a person does.  We are to do it all as unto the Lord.  One does not get a higher reward than the other.  One does not earn a higher place in heaven than the other.

So where did I get this warped view and why does it mess with me so much?  I got it from my background.  I grew up in a small town in the “Bible Belt South”.  In this arena grace only goes so far.  Beyond grace is the “Performance Gospel” which runs rampant in such churches of this area.  A Gospel that says that life performance, though it won’t get you into Heaven, does determine your sanctity.  In the midst of this environment, my older brother unexpectedly died at the age of three.  When something like that happens, a lot of things fly around like, “God’s will”, “Punishment for some sin,” “Live right or it’s liable to happen again.”  Not all of these were openly verbalized, but they are always implied in such settings.

Both of my parents were affected by this, but it was my Mother who took it to heart and silently determined that it would not happen again.  So, I grew up with a God who measured every little bit of performance to weigh if it measured up or not.  It usually didn’t.  Being the remaining child at the time and the older survivor, I bought into this scenario lock, stock and barrel.   I performed.  I worked hard at it.  The problem with this sort of system is that no matter how hard one works, it’s not enough.  You’re up against a perfect God, you know!  No one can win at this game, but I kept trying.  In our belief system of the day, there were two things a person could do that would be the epitome of service to God.  One was become a missionary to a foreign land.  The other was to become a minister.  The term used for this was “surrender” to the ministry.  One would feel, or “hear” a direct call from God to “surrender” to the ministry.  This person was usually miserable emotionally and spiritually until they finally caved…I’m sorry, I mean “surrendered”.  I had heard many, many testimonials to such fact.  And, of course, that’s how it happened to me.  I know now, that somewhere inside, I felt that if I gave to the max, it would work.  But, of course it didn’t work.  I didn’t feel accepted by God.  I didn’t feel any more sanctified, and I wasn’t real comfortable being a pastor.  I was very good at some things, but really sucked at others.  And I knew God could see my insides and knew that even though I was giving my all, I still sucked spiritually.  Who can live under that sort of pressure.  I imploded emotionally and spiritually.  I ended up seeing that counselor and got started on some spiritual and emotional healing.  And I left the ministry and got into a “secular” career which I have pursued until I was laid off last week at the ripe old age of 63.

The thing is, I have been feeling a desire to go back and do some preaching or teaching sort of ministry lately and I’m not sure what to think about it.  The question I’m faced with is, “is it God’s leadership or a remnant of the old performance religion rearing its ugly head?”  To be honest, I have continued to struggle with God’s love and acceptance of me ever since my decision to leave the pastoral ministry twenty years ago.  I work at it—that’s funny…working at not working at it—and I am getting better, slowly, but to have something so deeply engrained in someone is hard to overcome.  But I do love God, and I have grown immensely in the knowledge of His True Gospel of Love, Mercy and Grace, and I want to help share that in the best way I know how, and that is preaching and teaching.  It feels so real, but then, again, so did the “call” 44 years ago.  Am I still hooked up on performance?  Or is my struggle to avoid performance working to keep me from something that would be great for me and others?

How can I know the truth about this? 

ST

 

Well, I lost my job two days ago.  Wow!  It was a surprise, though I was not really too disappointed.  It has definitely had its challenges, chronic bronchial and sinus problems being one of the greatest (it is a fiberglass lamination facility…fumes and dust everywhere).

The thing is, I have been struggling with my career and life direction for a while, now.  I was a vocational minister many years ago and have had some leanings in that direction again.  Not wanting to jump where there was no safe landing…step out where there was no call or direction (I did that too many times in my youth as a minister) …I have been stymied in my understanding of what to do, where to go, how to think about it all.

Being 63 years of age and not really in the greatest financial condition to consider retirement, I had come to the place that I figured I would just work faithfully until 66, retire, and then pursue any options that the rest of my life might bring.  That is, until Monday.

Now what?  How do I look at this?  How do I think about it?  I could try to find a job and go back to work, but that may be easier said than done.  You see, I’m a Mechanical Design Engineer.  That means I design machines for manufacturing.  Yes, manufacturing, that thing that is going overseas at an alarming rate.  The industry is struggling at this time.  I just heard of another friend who recently got let go and another is worrying if it may happen to him.  Before I took my recent job four months ago, I had been looking for a job to little avail.  Today, it’s even harder for those of us who are a bit long in the tooth.  So, what to do?  How do I think about this?

Though, as I said, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would work to 66, then retire, I was still struggling with the feeling/urging to do something else, especially ministry related.  My wife and I had actually began praying about it.  We wanted to be in tune with God.  We wanted to be available.  We wanted to prepare and make ready for what He would work and whatever he would call to.  Then this.

I really love the story of Jesus walking on water and Peter saying, “if that is you, bid me come to you.” And, of course, Jesus said come.  I would like to believe that I would have what it takes to at least step out of the boat whether I floundered like Peter did later or not.  It seems, right now, that I have been shoved out of the boat.  Wow!  Again, how do I look at this?

Was I shoved out of the boat?  Was I thrown over the side like Jonah and even Paul?  Was I deliberately going the wrong direction and God had to move to get me in the water where He wanted me?  I don’t think I was being deliberately rebellious.  I, honestly, was seeking His direction.  The only thing I have been doing has been being quite cautious and sensible in the worldly meaning of the word.  I have jumped at what I considered “God’s callings” in the past, only to realize later that it was subconsciously more of what I wanted than what He wanted.  This caused me and my family some real hurt and pain.  I was also trying to be responsible with my finances and retirement.  We didn’t get much of a start on retirement planning in our earlier years as I was a small church pastor.  You know, the “we’ll keep him poor, God, you keep him humble” type?  So, our retirement isn’t going to be great by any means.  We would have to retire in a 3^rd World country to be considered middle class.

But, here I am.  63 years old, no job and prospects are iffy.  I am not one who believes that God necessarily did this, but I do trust that He’s got this and is at work in and through it.  When it comes to the chessboard of life, there is no move that He isn’t ready for.

So, what do I do?  I take that assurance and rest in it for now.  I pray.  I wait.  I keep my eyes open.  I listen for that still small voice…that gentle whisper that is definitely His and go from there.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

ST